I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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