god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We're too hungover to prance.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
