I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
