I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
