I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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