Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
