You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
