You just made me feel so damn special
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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