DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
