I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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