Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
