no, he came in my armpit
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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