my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
