My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
