just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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