Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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