You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
