miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
