all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
