So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
