I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
