Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
