I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize