We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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