You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Your dad touched me again.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
