Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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