I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
