there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I wear drunk well.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize