Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
