What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
