You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
