someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
