I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
