A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
