this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
