also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
