Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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