I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We don't watch enough power rangers
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
