i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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