Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
