I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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