the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
