the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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