You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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