i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
