are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
