Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
