We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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