i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
