Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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