his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
