tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
