Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
