You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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