I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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