My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
