i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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