Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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