Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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