At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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