Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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