i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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